This past weekend, I received some absolutely incredible news: I am the 2015 recipient of the Wallace Founders Scholarship, a full-tuition transfer scholarship at Monmouth College in Monmouth, Illinois. Fortunately for me, I missed the initial confirmation call so only a voicemail message from my transfer counselor was witness to the instantaneous screams and tears. I am going to college for free, at a private institution where I believe I will obtain the education that will best prepare me for medical school or a doctoral program. I will have the opportunity to immerse myself in research, enjoy the college atmosphere, and be part of a running program again. To say I am excited and blessed is an understatement. I never thought this would be possible again. However, my enthusiasm for future opportunities pales in comparison to the unconditional gratitude I feel for everyone in my life -- most of all my family and my God.
Here is where I would like to share an excerpt from a post I wrote in my personal blog on May 30, 2014 -- almost a year ago:
Why me?" is the common question that has been haunting me daily for the past few weeks. Earlier this morning I looked back at some of my old posts and was overwhelmed by a large amount of guilt and frustration at the little amount of progress I have made since January. JANUARY. Yes, that's half of a year, folks.
Half of a year and I continue to be at battle with both my mind and physical body almost every waking moment. By quick reflection, every day has an outcome: Either I end up bingeing, or I make it through. But every day is SO much more than that. On average, I have incredibly strong urges about 20 times a day and on average, I have been resisting those urges about 19 times.
Nineteen out of twenty is a pretty good track record on paper. In a class, that would be an A. 95%. In "Eating Disorder World," though, 19 out of 20 doesn't cut it. It doesn't matter how many urges I resist, how hard I fight back, how many times I succeed. At the end of the day a binge is still a binge.
I'm exhausted. I want to complain and say it isn't fair. I want people to understand what I'm going through because the pain is unbearable. I fight and I fight and I fight and I fight until I'm battered and bruised and there's that ONE urge that sneaks up while I'm most vulnerable and kicks me back down to the ground. And the next day I have to get up and fight all over again.
It's incredibly simple to give in to the "Why me?" complaints when life is like this. Incredibly simple to question God and His motives. The difficult part is continuing to put my trust in Him and know that He has an INCREDIBLE plan for me.
The familiarity of this post is uncanny; I remember writing it like it was yesterday, but perhaps that may be because its message is one that I've carried with me every day during the eleven months that have passed since I wrote those words. It's a message that I've always held dear to my heart and will forever believe: Those who trust in the Lord will never be alone; those who turn to Him shall find peace, in both good times and bad, knowing there is a divine purpose for his/her life.
I spent a lot of time during the last two years, especially after I left DePaul University to enter treatment, questioning God and His plan for my life. I fell into a deep depression because I felt like I had no direction. Nothing seemed fair. I was losing everything I had worked so diligently for -- I believed all of my hard work was going to waste. This belief was only a nagging poke compared to the powerful punches my eating disorder threw at me while I struggled to free myself from its monstrous grip, though. I was mentally exhausted and the last thing I wanted to do was turn to God. But I did.
God is the reason I am so open about my journey in recovery; He is the reason why I am so vulnerable and, at times, so repetitive with the messages I try to send. Choosing to enter recovery and commit myself to getting better required a lot of resilience and personal strength, yes, but even more so, my journey is a testament to the promises, grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love of God.
There are going to be countless times in your life when you question God, or if you are not of faith, when you wonder what the point is in even trying. There are many times where you are going to doubt His promises or your own strength, as I have doubted time and time again:
Why am I not getting to have the college experience I wanted? Why, after two years of not being able to run have I had shin splints for the past 8 months? Why is it taking me years instead of weeks to recover? Why do I still have such strong urges to binge and will I ever stop acting on them completely?
The answers will come, trust me. Maybe not now. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not in the next week, month, or even year. But they will come.
Today, if I take time to step back and look at my situation from above, I can see that God is working wonders with my adversity. I thank Him every day for giving me the courage to share my story, the vulnerability to show my weaknesses, and the strength to keep fighting so I can continue on the path He has set before me. He is taking all of my "Why"s and using them to show me WHY I am so special and so loved.
I pray that you find peace and comfort in reading my story -- in knowing that I have been pulled out of an extremely dark place by the grace of God, amazing friends and family, and a little thing called perseverance. Nothing makes me happier than knowing that I can bring hope to someone else. Life is hard. It is absolutely terrible and unfair at times. But it is also so very beautiful, and nothing is more beautiful than the impact your life can make on the lives of others.