[Note: Bits and pieces of this were taken from a post I wrote on my personal blog this past fall. This is me giving myself credit for already having put into words the message I wish to share this week].
Today I ran a mile.
It was my third run back after taking a couple weeks off because of serious shin pain, and the weather was absolutely perfect for a run. About a quarter of a mile in, though, my shins started hurting to a level severe enough where my stride was becoming constricted and unbalanced. I stopped shortly after one mile, sat down on grass, and began to sob.
Flashbacks. They were coming at me with full force and threatening to send me into a full-blown panic attack.
Flashbacks of what it used to feel like to be in shape. Flashbacks of pounds and pounds of candy, cookies, crackers, breads, cereals, and other binge-favorites. Flashbacks of January 1, 2014, when I wrote in my notebook my resolution to stop bingeing; a resolution I had obviously failed to keep. Flashbacks of different treatment centers, locked fridges, bathroom monitoring, group therapy, and tears. Flashbacks of high school, where I was under the grips of my eating disorder yet experiencing success, and so oblivious of the storm to come. Flashbacks to age 10, the last time I can remember being truly healthy and free.
I have found that recovery, like all good things, comes in threes: learning to abstain from the eating disorder behaviors, implementing healthier coping mechanisms, and overcoming the regret of all that accompanies having an eating disorder.
The latter is the most difficult part of my recovery to accept. As I wrote about in my last post, I'm extremely regretful of how having an eating disorder has affected the talents that God has given me, especially my running talent. Every time I "mess up" and binge, I am setting myself backwards not only mentally but physically. I don't want to gain any more weight, nor do I need to, but as a consequence of my behaviors sometimes I may, and this has affected my running drastically. I have definitely become more physically fit since beginning to exercise again last summer, but at the same time I feel as though the progress I am making is slowed extensively by my bingeing. It's been one and a half years since I've gone over a total of five days in a row without behaviors, and this scares me. When I stop to truly think about what this means in regards to my body, it doesn't surprise me that it is taking me so long to get back into shape or even that I became injured.
So here comes the part where I throw my little insights back in your direction with an important key word: forgiveness.
Forgiveness. Such a grace-filled word. Forgiveness is one of my favorite virtues; I am lucky in having a heart that very easily forgives others and looks for the good in people. Perhaps my over-abundance of forgiveness for those who do me wrong is why my own forgiveness for myself is lacking. I can't seem to forgive myself for having an eating disorder - something that was beyond my control, anyway. And then, even if I was able to somehow forgive myself for this mental demon, it's difficult for me to forgive myself for how long it's taking me to recover and what I do to my body. I get angry with myself that this is taking so long and that I am still fighting every day even after a year.
This is where I need to change my mindset. Lately, as I've been looking at transfer opportunities, and deciding whether or not to run again, I find myself being even more critical. If I want to be able to handle school next year alone, my mind says, I cannot carry this with me again. And, if I have any dreams of getting into running shape again, there is no way I can continue to treat my body like a garbage can.
But instead of looking at how far I still have to go, I need to look at how far I have come. Just a little over 8 months ago, I was in a 24-hour treatment facility with food locked up so I couldn't get into it. Today, I am taking classes at Sandburg, excelling in all of them, exercising again, hanging out with friends and family, and enjoying life overall. Additionally, the prospect of transferring is becoming reality, and I may even run again.
These are things to be thankful for. Perhaps then, I should focus on the role of acceptance as much as I should focus on the role of forgiveness in my recovery. Where I have been going wrong is trying to forgive myself for something that's unattainable right now - for not reaching my unrelenting standards of being 100% sober and doing recovery "perfectly." I'm setting myself up for even more lapses if I beat myself up with hatred every time I have a setback. Addictions, and mental/eating disorders are not about "just stopping." The solution seems so easy, and this is why loved ones often get very frustrated when we lapse. There are so many other factors besides the behaviors that go into mental disorders though. Recovery is not about stopping behaviors - anyone can do that in treatment; recovery is about changing the wiring of your brain, learning to live differently than you ever have, challenging yourself, maintaining healthy habits, and building the foundation for a life-long, loving relationship with yourself. Setbacks are inevitable. This is where acceptance must come into play.
Acceptance means that I stop comparing myself to where I think I should be, or to others around me. I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. Period. My journey will be different than those who don't have an ED. My journey will be different than those who do. My journey will even be different than those with eating disorders who specifically struggle with binge eating like I. My journey will be different than YOURS. YOUR journey will be unique to only YOU; only YOU were created strong enough to live the life you are living.
So here's my challenge to you, to both of us this week. What's holding you back? What unhealthy patterns of thinking are keeping you from accepting your current situation, forgiving yourself, and continuing to move forward with your hopes and dreams? I challenge you to rip apart these thoughts; to recognize them as only what is inside of your head. Your thoughts cannot hurt you until you allow them to dictate your actions in a negative way. You are a soul, strong and beautiful, and there is meaning for your life. Forgive yourself and treat yourself with grace, and at the same time, find a balance with continuing to strive for excellence. You may get knocked down every once in awhile, but you always have a chance to get back up.