Often, I have people ask me, “What will you do if things get bad again? How do you know if you need to go back to treatment?" These people are not being rude or intrusive; rather, they are addressing an issue that is very real and common in the recovery process: the possibility of relapse.
What does relapse look like? For me, relapse is bingeing more than once a day. It's not wanting to get out of bed. Ever. It's withdrawing from friends and family. It's not exercising, neglecting self-care, and consistently wanting to skip class. It's recurring fantasies of food and prioritizing how to make these fantasies real above all else. It's letting go of Stephanie and falling more into my eating disorder with each passing day.
I'm scared. Recently, just in the past few weeks, I have been bingeing about once a day and have been experiencing a lot of anxiety, symptoms of depression, and eating-disordered thoughts. The lapses I am facing could be triggered by the change I am anticipating; while I am ecstatic to transfer to Monmouth in the fall, I am also very worried. I want to make sure that I am in a healthy place when I leave home. Even though I am doing much better overall than previously, there is much progress to be made. In the past 18 months of my battle with Binge Eating Disorder, the longest I have gone without acting on urges is ten days total. In four months, when I leave for school, I want to be binge free for at least 25 days. This seems like a lofty goal, but a lot is at stake and I must do all I can to succeed.
Anyway, because I have been having a lot of trouble the past couple of weeks, I didn't feel entirely up to writing a new blog post last night. However, I do want to share an old post with you that somewhat relates to the aforementioned topic of relapse. When I am bingeing a lot, I struggle with body-image, as is expected, since bingeing often leads to weight gain. However, it is important for me to separate my behaviors from the consequences they are having on my physical shape. If I focus on the weight I gain or how “ugly" I feel, I will only want to binge more. I wrote this piece in February of 2014, while still in treatment, to remind others to focus on health and happiness, rather than what they see in the mirror. Enjoy and have a great week!
American Beauties
Warning: The contents of this post could potentially cause you to get up off the couch and join the gym, run to the nearest McDonald's and grab a cheeseburger and fries, or run around town naked screaming "I love my body!!!"
I am not responsible for any of the latter.
With that I shall begin. Happy reading.
America's view of what a woman's body should look like is MESSED UP. For a while, it was all about being "skinny." Thin, beautiful models graced the covers of every magazine and were featured in ads for popular stores such as Hollister and Abercrombie. In fact, these stores themselves promoted thinness in the very petite sizes they chose to sell. Hell, I was always skinny as a little kid and remember having to wear a "large" at those stores!
Currently, America has taken a turn for the better... Or so it thinks. With the growing awareness of eating disorders and promotion of "body image peace" America has switched its ideal womanly body to a fit, toned shape. "Eat healthy and exercise!" Ads say. "Tone those abs!" "Stay away from hidden sugars!" To some extent, these messages are helpful. The majority of America is overweight, and it could be useful for people to implement healthy habits. However, many teenage girls and young women are seeing pictures of these toned, fit models and striving to be like them; in doing so, they begin practicing unhealthy habits to achieve their goal... Because guess what, America? (Drum roll please) REAL WOMEN DO NOT ALL LOOK THE SAME!!!!!!
Notice how I didn't say "real women have curves." As a person who has been built naturally athletic most of my life, I find that statement to be annoying. I know plenty of girls who are happy and healthy and are petite or very strong and muscular. I also know happy and healthy girls who are curvy or pear-shaped. I know happy and healthy girls who are tall with small breasts. Short with large breasts. Tall with voluptuous thighs. And everything in between.
But what's scaring me is that the number of healthy, happy girls I know is dwindling. Since being open about my eating disorder, and again upon starting this blog, SO MANY girls (and guys!) have reached out to me and explained how they, too, have suffered through some type of eating disorder.
What society needs to realize is that eating disorders come in ALL shapes and ALL sizes and ALL behaviors. As I've mentioned before, it's extremely frustrating for me to have people tell me, "oh you look so good!" when I know that I am not healthy physically. I've been eating more than 20,000 calories of junk food a day and just because I'm not overweight doesn't mean I'm not on my way there. And it's a lot more than they weight anyway. "Healthy" should not be decided based on a person's weight, body fat, or look... "healthy" should be based on habits: normalized eating, exercise, relationships, and the ability to function well within society. The majority of people with eating disorders are at a normal weight. At my first treatment center, I remember being baffled because hardly anyone there was the stereotypical description of someone with an eating disorder: extremely emaciated. In fact, many were, to me, healthy beautiful young women. But as I got to know them, I learned that outside appearance can be deceiving.
I guess if it was up to me, my message to America would be this: STOP FOCUSING on being "healthy" and "fit" and maybe people would actually BE healthy and fit! Healthy is not necessarily what you see in the magazines... Those models may have to work out five hours a day, eat nothing but protein and vegetables, and STILL need to be airbrushed. Wanna know why? THE TRUE HUMAN BODY dons MANY looks of fit! And, quite honestly, it varies from person to person. So don't fool yourself: be REAL to YOU. Trust your body. Stop stuffing yourself with food to numb emotions. But don't starve yourself to look a certain way. Eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. Treat yourself with ice cream. Work out because you love the way it makes your body feel. Have a heart healthy breakfast. Take a walk in nature. Share an entire pizza with a friend one night because it just tastes so damn good. And overweight, underweight, curvy, stomach of abs, C-sized breasts, muscular legs, toothpick arms... WHEREVER your body ends up as is the healthy, fit YOU. Redefine beauty to fit YOUR image. Take a look at yourself in the mirror, say, "I'm freaking SEXY!" Then move the heck on.
Because in the end, it isn't about looks, nice cars, fancy houses, money, or other material things we idolize as tokens of our self-worth. It's our ACTIONS, our relationship with others, and our journey to discover our unique selves and fulfill our divine purpose, that truly matter.